I am so fatigued. These past couple of months have been very exhausting and these last couple of weeks have been the worst. I’m 38 weeks preggo now, which means she is coming very soon. And while I feel so huge it’s hard to even get in and out of bed I’ve had to pack up everything, move everything, unpack everything, and clean while going to school everyday taking tests, writing papers, working it in labs. I didn’t think I would make it through this last week. The babies room and house is no where near ready and we barely have enough money for groceries. I’m freaking out. I would post pictures of our new place but I’m not going to because everything is such a mess still it makes me cry.
But on the optimistic side my dog is living with me once again. She is so lovely. And my man and I do stuff like this:
I compulsively clean out my email inbox.
It wasn’t that long ago that I used to be lonely all of the time. Sometimes I forget this and then sometimes I drive alone and I remember. The loneliest time of my life wasn’t that far off. I would sleep alone, wake up alone, eat alone, lay in bed alone. The moments of not being able to breath from the ache are still fresh in my past. I would get in the car and turn the music on and drive to the ocean until I could breath again. Watching the ebb and flow would remind me the air pulls in and out. So many mistakes I made. But sometimes the solitude washed them clean.
- Long shirts and/or tunics
- Scented candles
- Walks
- Mary jane shoes
- Cheese on bread
- Cinnamon
- Tea
- Flannel sheets
- Understanding something
Cahn made a pie for Thanksgiving.
The Sandra-Mikie house thanksgiving.
Sandra’s cat likes uno.
Everyone loves a fire in the fireplace.
Mistletoe harvest.
Mr. Ambulance driver, I’m not a nurse.
Then there was the vegan feast.
So i’m pregnant. This is not news. I just haven’t written much about this and I’m not sure why. Actually I’m not sure that I need a reason why. I haven’t felt the need to document every day like I hear some expecting mothers do, but I guess I have never really been that way. I live mostly in my mind and it has taken my whole life thus far to work on counteracting that. Anyways, back to my point, I have a small being growing inside of me.
It was all shock and overwhelming feelings at first. Mostly not happy feelings. That may seem like an awful thing to say but for me it was only natural. I have never planned on being a mother. And certainly at this point in my life I didn’t want to be one. I had and have much trepidation. And I had a decision to make. For me I knew either way it would be a life changing decision. We are talking, of course, about the decision to terminate the pregnancy or not. As difficult as it was to think about let alone decide on I understood so very clearly that it was important just to be able to make such a decision, that no one should ever not have the right to do so. It is simply one of the ‘unalienable rights’ that we are all born with and no one can take away (or justly should be able to take away). So I made my decision and I guess deep down I new all along what the answer would be but I still wanted to take into consideration my past and present. And here I am roughly 25 weeks pregnant.
Once I accepted what was happening I was able to feel other emotions beside the negative ones. I get excited to meet this newly forming person and teach her all the wonderful things in the world that I know of so far. I want to be a family and experience all of the happy little moments that go along with that.
The state of actually being pregnant hasn’t been easy for me. In fact, I don’t understand the women that say they love being preggo. The first trimester was so miserable. I was nauseous every waking hour, I couldn’t eat anything but fruit and bread, and I was fatigued all of the time. After those first three months it did get better. I could eat food again and I wasn’t so tired. But then came the back pain, bloating, and just about every other uncomfortable bodily whatevers. But along with all the discomfort came a brand new sensation. I can feel my baby move inside of me. It is so reassuring and odd. I realized there was this foreign being inside of me and I would freak out mentally about it. But I also realized that she was alive and didn’t have to worry anymore about what was going on in there. She is with me always and I hope that she has a good home right now. When I wake up in the morning she is still and as soon as I get up and start moving around she moves around too. It is almost surreal but I feel happy.
I’m starting to get tired more easily again. I have never been more aware of my body and I can feel all of the changes for the most part. The whole thought of being in labor still freaks me out. But there is nothing I can do at this point but roll with it. Cahn sings to her and loves to feel her move. He is concerned about me eating too much sugar. He walks with me and rubes my back. He lets me cry on his shoulder. I love him. And I’m thankful he has been so supportive.
Just your typical update.
Cahn made his very first pie, completely from scratch. He just got the idea to use up our apples and then he did it.
It turned out wonderful, just the way I like my apple pies. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of the finished product.
The suspense was killing me.
We also went out to a fancy dinner with some fancy friends. This was the best picture we were able to capture of the night.
I got my hair cut.
That’s all for now.
Gifts for Viet.
My Love. He sleeps beside me. Our toes touching. His arm protects me. His fingertips soothe me. His heartbeat pacifies me. And it is the greatest warmth i’ve ever known.
